Kids Say The Most Dysfunctional Things!

While my squee colleagues are obviously busy with reading and forming opinions and such, all has been quiet here on the southern squee front, which was noted by Squee1313 in her email from a few weeks ago- Hey, write something funny. It’s your turn. While my fellow squeers have been busy in their intellectual pursuits involving library books, Kindles, sci-fi book to movie translations, and the like, I’ve been busy watching college football. I could have spent my Saturdays constructively, thinking critically, thirsting for knowledge, but instead I was cracking open Miller Lites at 10am, stumbling around tailgates, and betting on whether Lee Korso would drop the F-bomb on College Gameday two weeks in a row. In my defense (Capital D, picture of a fence) I did sober up long enough to teach myself how to crochet tiny devils and ninjas and read The Hunger Games, but lets face it, out of the three of us I win the award for least classy. Stepping on the cat while blindly stumbling to the medicine cabinet in a desperate search for ibuprofen on Sunday morning cements that honor.

But now the holidays have come and gone and college football is at its end tonight and I will rejoice in the guarantee that an SEC team will lose. Because I’ve been preoccupied with my noble pursuits of ball and booze, I’ve had a touch of the writer’s block. As I mentioned, my fellow Squalleagues (see what I did there? that’s Squee + colleagues) read and go to the movies more than I do. My ideas, witty or not, are many times sucked out of me by the precious ones that I spend my days with, so I’m going to add “Kids Say the Dumbest Fucked Up Dysfunctional Darndest Things” to our Squeengdom (get it? Squee + kingdom. I’m on a roll!)

To set up our scenario, a class read a book call “Animals Should Not Wear Pants” and then had to come up with another human activity that animals should not do. Most kids said things like “Animals should not ride roller coasters” and “Animals should not go to school” with the reasons being that they will “eat and kill everyone and everyone will be eaten and they might die”. But there’s that one kid. And here’s his answer.


Ah, truer words have not been put to paper since Ralphie wrote his Red Ryder BB Gun theme. Indeed, animals should not drink beer. And now that college football is over, we can all dry out.


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