Dan Abramson’s 10 Spoilers from “The Avengers”

Went with CDsquee and respective families to see The Avengers on Mother’s Day. We squeed ourselves silly.

This morning, I got my weekly e-mail from Funny or Die with a funny post by Dan Abramson.

Here’s a link to the original post at the Funny or Die website: 10 Personal Spoilers

10 Personal SPOILERS From ‘The Avengers’

By Dan Abramson May 8, 2012 |

As you may have guessed, SPOILERS ahead.

  • You will get shawarma afterward.
  • You will sit next to someone more excited to be at this movie than the birth of his own child. No matter where you sit, this person will be on one side of you screaming "YEAHHHHH" every time someone "suits up" or someone establishes a witty rapport with Mark Ruffalo. (In this case, the more excited person was CDsquee and me at the same time. I lost count of how many times we high-fived each other)
  • You won’t mind because holy fuck that rapport between Mark Ruffalo and Robert Downey Jr. is better than any duo in years. Instead of Iron Man and Hulk sequels, can we just have a rom com with these two, please? Call it "The Anger Suits You." Whatever, it’s a working title.
  • You will realize that your decision not to see Captain America holds up (CDsquee and I disagree. We liked Captain America)
  • You will realize that your decision not to see the previous Hulk movies, despite their poor reception, may have been incorrect in hindsight. (We did see previous Hulk movies. Ruffalo’s Hulk is the best, so far, we think).
  • You will start remembering the trailer to the Ang Lee version of Hulk and feel comfortable with your refusal to see it due to its ridiculousness and lack of Ruffalos.
  • You will be blown away when Banner/Hulk is like "I’m always angry," but then you’ll question it since didn’t he lose his shit earlier when Scarjo took a break from gratuitous butt shots be tossed around by him? (CD Squee says she took it as a ‘I can let it loose at will but I can’t always NOT let it loose’( (almost like a momentum thing) and I agree with her)
  • Literally two seconds later, you will not give a shit about that inconsistency because of how amazing this moment is and also logic gets thrown out the window when you spend twenty dollars on a movie that’s plot is essentially "I think a space portal opens up and a younger version of the bad guy from Ghostbusters 2 has a powerful walking stick."
  • You will wonder why Banner was naked when Harry Dean Stanton found him since the Hulk doesn’t get naked at any point while he’s smashing things. Is that in the director’s cut? Like there’s a scene where Hulk’s like "You don’t want me to unleash ‘The Other Guy’" and points to his crotch? Yeah, that’s probably what happened. (Hulk’s pants: We suspected his nakedness stemmed more from the fall etc than anything that normally happens. If Harry Dean hadn’t said anything we would have just thought they fell off when he shrank b/c the pants were all stretched out.)
  • You will love this movie and talk about it incessantly until the Dark Knight Rises is released, which will lead to discussions regarding which was the better flick: Avengers, Dark Knight, or Battleship. JK JK JK JK JK JK JK JK JK JK JK — Battleship is a fake movie. It’s something we all made up in our minds because there’s no way that exists in real life. ( CD Suee says, Battleship – really? If they had made this movie and named it “space war at sea” or “Space kraken” or something – I would have wanted to see it more. But the idea that it was written b/c somebody wanted to make a movie called Battleship just makes me cringe.)

The Avengers is the kind of movie that Songs in Squee Minor was invented for. We love it, can’t wait to see it again. In addition to Mr. Abramson’s spoilers, CDsquee and I have spent the morning reviewing the most squee worthy moments in the movie (Also major SPOILERS):

· Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury can wear a leather trench like no other and he is one badass Mo-Fo!

· Captain America destroys a punching bag and then lifts another one onto the hook one-handed.

· Captain America’s shield and Thor’s hammer creates something akin to nuclear bomb.

· Even Hulk cannot lift Thor’s hammer

· Black Widow manages to outsmart Loki. She’s sexy, deadly, AND she’s smart

· Tony Stark points out the guy playing Galaga in the command center of the flying aircraft carrier. Then, after he leaves, the guy goes back to playing Galaga.

· Hawkeye hits his mark without even looking

· Hulk shows Loki what he thinks about the “Puny God”.

· Captain America proves to the NYPD that his orders should be followed without question.

· Professor Selvig sorta did know what he was doing.

· Tony Stark has the best 40-something-year-old-butt in a pair of jeans.

· Thor, “When are you NOT going to fall for that?”. Big muscles, bigger heart.

· Agent’s Coulson’s final words were to tell Loki that he would fail because he lacked conviction.

· Tony Stark is willing to sacrifice everything without a giving himself a way out.

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