Happy Valentine’s Day! I want to hug your penis.

Dear Valentine, want to ride my Penisaurus Rex?

Dear Valentine, want to ride my Penisaurus Rex?

Once Valentine’s day was sweet. My parents got me little teddy bears and we had cupcakes at school. Now past the age of decorating a shoebox and getting cheap notecards from everyone in our class, Valentine’s Day is stupid and I have the right to say this because I worked in a Hallmark store for three years in high school.

People used to tell me I was just saying that because I didn’t have a Valentine and that one day I’d change my mind. To me this is akin to saying “one day you’ll aquire the taste for mayonnaise”- it’s not going to happen unless diluted to an unrecognizable form. So listen, I’m not going to throw flowers back in my beau’s face and remind him of the brutal and unromantic fate of Valentine, himself. I’m not ungrateful, just indifferent. Come to think of it I’ve gone from openly hostile to indifferent- what’s next? Holy shit, will I be pestering my mate to put a ring in my mayonnaise sandwich?

While I may be indifferent, I know that many people out there aren’t, and truely enjoy this chance show their loved ones how much they love them in both material and physical ways. That’s why I’ve taken the task apon myself to review a couple of books just for this occassion.

First, Conviction, part of the Club Desitny seires by Nicole Edwards.

club destiny

This book is a little gem with some kind of plot, I think involving a woman who gets a promotion, moves to Dallas, and starts pounding her hot new boss. My plot description is vague because, lets be honest, the only part I’m interested in is the pounding. And if you like pounding, you’ll love this book- especially if you like reading about a girl, her boss, and his twin brother… yes twin brother… kickin it in the pool. Insert brotherly love joke- right into her hot milky tunnel of lust. Turns out on top of enjoying listening to their balls slapping together while banging the same chick, these guys own a sex club together called Club Destiny. Mom must be so proud.

Fred and George are doing so well since they gave up the joke shop and started dabbling in SMBD instead. If only Percy could have joined the family business.

Fred and George are doing so well since they gave up the joke shop and started dabbling in SMBD instead. If only Percy could have joined the family business.


And bonus! This is only the first book in the series! There are several more featuring characters with intertwining lives! Suck it 50 Shades and your piddly trilogy!

Now at this point you might be wondering, Kimtastic, did you really spend your hard earned money on this crap? To which I answer, Hell no! I let someone else do it for me! So let me take a moment to extoll the virtues of Kindle lending, because frankly, I’m not sure I’d want to touch this book after it’s been passed around a few times. Everyone knows a girl from their dorm like that too. If you didn’t, it might have been you.

Anyway, after complaining to the friend who digitally lent me this masterpiece that it took too long to get to the good stuff, she suggested that I read One Dom to Love from the Doms of Her Life Series by NYT Bestselling Author Shayla Black.


True to her work, the action starts immediately in this one. Poor Raine is torn between two men. First is Hammer, the owner of the sex club (noticing a theme) that she works at (as his secretary/maid type person, not an active participant because then she wouldn’t be as desirable) who fears his carnal attraction to her would hurt her both physically and emotionally. Then there’s Liam, a sexy Irishman with a tender side. Ok, I’ll be honest, I didn’t get more than three or four chapters in to this book but from the part I read Liam was basically like “Hey Hammer, shit or get off the pot” And Hammer was all “Hey Liam you back stabbing asshole, you stole my bitch” and Raine was all “Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em” And both guys were like “Raine, you’re 2 Legit 2 Quit” and that’s about as far as I got.

I hope these book reviews are helpful. I plan to spend my V-day the best way I know how, on the couch with my sweetheart with a box of pizza and a glass of Foothills Sexual Chocolate.


And Penisaurus Rex doesn’t want the ladies to feel left out, so here’s a beaver.




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