Funny Reviews of “Shatter Me”

 

I have seen this book many times. Amazon keeps insisting I’ll like it because I’ve looked at YA dystopian novels in the past, and Shatter Me is considered YA dystopia. So far, I remain unconvinced. Also, I’m kind of over YA dystopia. Waaay over it.

Yesterday I was reading another book blog and the author was making her 15 book confessions as part of the participation in this book blogging thing (meme) that’s going around right now. One of her confessions was one that I share. She said that she tries not to be judgmental of other people’s reading choices because she understands how tastes are so widely varied. But no matter how empathetic she tries to be, she can’t understand how anyone likes Shatter Me because the writing is just so ridiculous.

Well, of course, that piqued my instant curiosity. I rushed right over to Amazon to look up the book again and read several of the reviews. After reading through them, both good and bad, I am positively convinced I won’t be reading this book. If that makes me shortsighted or judgmental, I’m okay with that. Sometimes you gotta go with the critiques of other readers or else you end up with a never ending stack of books to read and a lot of wasted time. Oh, wait, I already have that.

However, I absolutely had to share two of the funniest reviews I’ve ever read.

**Disclaimer** The LARGE majority of reviews of this book were positive. The positive ones, however, were not nearly so entertaining. And entertaining is what Squee is here for, folks.

Here’s a link if you want to read them on Amazon or if you feel like you should read some of the more positive reviews just to be fair: http://www.amazon.com/review/R23LC3AUZFL51T/ref=cm_cr_dp_title?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B00BJDM24Y&nodeID=283155&store=books

1.0 out of 5 stars A girl, a guy and a bird. February 6, 2012

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Vine™ Review (What’s this?)

This review will take the form of prose, in the style of Elizabeth Barrett Browning, but with examples taken from the story itself.
How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.
I hate thee for thine bizarro, unpunctuated, over-the-top prose that peppers this story from page one on.
I hate the lackadaisical ennui of a sun too preoccupied with itself to notice the infinite hours we spend in its presence.’ P. 26
I hate thee for talking about a bird, every couple of pages, thereby adding a mysterious, crazy-girl ambiance when the reader already knows Juliette is a tinfoil hat away from crazytown.
‘There will be a bird today.’ P. 9
‘There will be a bird.’ P. 11
‘Maybe a bird will fly today.’ P. 28
‘Birds used to fly.’ P. 36
I’ve dreamt about the same bird flying through the same sky for exactly 10 years.’ P. 36
‘I don’t know how to find the white bird.’ P. 113
‘I glance at the window and wonder if I’ll ever see a bird fly by.’ P. 115
‘A white bird with streaks of gold like a crown atop its head. It’s flying.’ P. 120
‘I’m the bird and I’m flying away.’ P. 121
‘I need to see the bird.’ P. 176
I hate thee to the level of shoving this book into a composter, after finishing a particularly silly part about Adam’s manly chest and Juliette’s need to snuggle.
‘My face is pressed against his chest and the world is suddenly bigger, beautiful – -the entire universe stops in place and spins the other direction and I’m the bird.’ (Gah, that darned bird again!).
I hate thee with a passion put to use with my trusty highligher pen as the story veered from events and people into waiting and Juliette’s ‘pulse pounding romance’ (back cover of the book) which wasn’t very romantic or pulse pounding.
‘the sun and the moon have merged and the earth is upside down. I feel like I can be exactly who I want to be in his arms. ‘
I hate thee with a bitterness that seemed to grow as I had to read almost 51 pages of purple prose before something really happens.
‘Warner Stops walking. “I want you on my team.”
‘We’re in the middle of a war,’ he says a little impatiently.’

With my lost time, the hours I spent on this book can never be regained, and so, I think, even unto death, I shall hate thee more.

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1.0 out of 5 stars Shatter Me Drinking Game, August 21, 2012

This review is from:Shatter Me (Hardcover)

One shot anytime…
– She uses one of the following words: dying, thaw, touch, bird, hundred, billion, million, ACHING (bonus drinks if her body actually IS aching and she isn’t just feeling emotions through her joints)
– She’s “surprised” that some ridiculous, impossible thing HASN’T happened (“I was surprised he didn’t explode into a billion pieces,” “I was surprised I wasn’t covered in blood”)
– She says she wants to inflict deathly violence on someone but instead continues throwing a tantrum
– She says “no one had EVER [done that to me]” or “it was the most [adjective] thing I have ever [seen/heard/felt] IN MY ENTIRE LIFE”
– The author uses “gentles” as a verb (as in – “he gentles me onto the bed).
– It is revealed that a character’s parents abused them (because every. single. character. has abusive parents)
– A sentence like this pops up – “My body is in a blender.” … “A steam train goes through my head.” … “I am slapped with a two by four.” – to jarringly describe emotions

Two shots when you reach these actual quotes in the book:
– “Her life was too glamorous for the leashed legacy of her loins.”
– “He was wrong. He was SO wrong. He was more wrong than an upside-down rainbow.”
– “His face was a forest of emotions.”
– During the “don’t the clouds realize that the raindrops SHATTER when they hit the ground? that it BREAKS them?” speech
– “Why are you touching me?” … “Because… BECAUSE I CAN.”

If you ever start wondering “wait wasn’t there supposed to be a plot somewhere in here?” DRINK. just keep drinking.

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Myra
    Jul 13, 2013 @ 00:44:12

    “Her life was too glamorous for the leashed legacy of her loins.”

    That’s awesome. That should be on a tombstone.

    Reply

  2. Redhead
    Jul 13, 2013 @ 04:16:46

    I love the drinking game one!

    negative reviews are always a touchy subject, but everyone loves the hysterical negative ones!!

    Reply

  3. Elizabeth
    Jul 16, 2013 @ 20:48:02

    Hahahahaha, I love these! I wish I was that clever to have written my review of Shatter Me like that. I seriously do not get the positivity about the book… the quotes you see? THE WHOLE BOOK (or at least the 30 pages I managed to read before throwing the book across the room) is like that. Every. Single. Sentence. Thanks for the laugh, Squee!

    Reply

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