Is this the droid you were looking for?

This is my kingdom, Nudelandia. Here’s a map.

Map of Nudelandia

Map of Nudelandia

Nudelandia is a small kingdom, approximately 600 square feet, and ruled over by Boyfriend and Me. Nudelandia welcomes all, and does not require that all visitors adhere to the native dress, which seems to make our guests uncomfortable for some reason. Nudelandia has exactly one room, Dwellaska, as Poopenstein, Closetfornia, and Mt. Laundravious are uninhabitable (unless you count that time that Boyfriend may have had a few too many and spent the night in Closetfornia on accident). And while my waistline proves that I spend a lot of time vacationing in the Kitchen Islands, it’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t actually live there.

Nudelandia is a kingdom with a time limit however, as Boyfriend and and I are packing up and heading a state north to NueNudelandia which is in a much smaller city and I’m sure many hilarious small town adventures will ensue. I’d like to say that leaving behind our less than beloved kingdom would be bittersweet, but mostly it’s just bitter. Like burnt coffee bitter, and I’m just guessing at that because I’m not a fan of hot beverages. We’ve been living in this shithole… oh pardon my language, shitcircus… for not quite a year and a half and I’m pretty sure we got a lemon of an apartment. Nudelandia is in an old factory that’s been turned into “artist lofts” and we were initially captivated by it’s charm. Loft living in the city, how chic! Exposed brick walls! What character! Look at the slightly vaginal looking metal sculpture in the courtyard. Artsy! I can tell you this, I’m done with charm and character. Give me a carpeted ranch style beige box, and give it to me now! I’m artsy enough. I don’t need your metal poon tang outside. I want a patio.

Nudelandia leaks. If you live, or have ever spent any time in the south in the late spring and summer, then you understand the concept of “scattered showers”, meaning your ass is going to get rained on at 3 pm every day. I mean the sky is going to open up and just drench you in a white out of a rain that prevents you from seeing anything more than 3 feet in front of you. And the sound of falling rain is a lovely calming sound, when it’s outside, tapping on your windows. Not so much when it’s inside, tapping on your couch. The kingdom directly skyward of Nudelandia was added in a shoddy construction job and now rain collects on their patio (bullshit. I want a patio.) and seeps through the wooden boards in our charming 18 foot high ceilings. How quaint! This happens about once a month so I’m pretty sure the solution involves leak protection and wings.

Not only does Nudelandia leak water, it also leaks critters. About a year ago I wrote about my mom’s visit during the hottest summer ever. We had other guests too! Termites! Just raining from the ceiling. Skin crawling. Also, the neighbors are loud, and the sink is leaking. The AC drips, as well, which brings me to what I hope will be our last adventure in Nudelandia. With 10 days left, the AC quit on me.

Boyfriend and I were busy packing and you know, it just gets hot while you’re packing, right. So we’re sweating like sex workers in a place of worship and thinking nothing of it. I left to go tell the property manager that the ceiling was still leaking and noticed the extreme temperature change upon returning. Dude, it was 90 in our apartment. The thermostat was set to 70. So back to the office I go. I ended up calling the emergency maintenance  hotline and got a call back from a man who, as lovely and helpful as he was, had a really really thick accent that was hard for me to understand on the phone. through every other word I understood that he’d come over and take care of it later, but might not be able to fix the problem right away as it involved getting on the roof and another one of those blessed summer storms was coming.

Boyfriend and I went out to enjoy an early dinner because I just turned 35 and now I’m old and have to go to the early bird specials. I also keep wads of used kleenex and butterscotch candies in my handbag. Maintenance calls again while we’re out and this time, be it the background noise and my lack of hearing aid, or maybe the mojitos, I couldn’t understand anything he was saying. But we found out later that night that he was saying “I can’t fix your AC right now so I’m going to leave a tiny shitty mobile AC unit that operates at the decibel of a jet engine but you can’t turn it off because you will instantly die of heat stroke” because we came home to this:

Tiny air conditioner

Tiny air conditioner

Now the picture you see here is from night two, after we had jerry-rigged the accordion hose thing to shoot out of the window and situate the cold air blowing part to blow directly on the bed. If you’ll please refer back to the map of Nudelandia as I explain how the guy set it up to begin with. The AC was sitting in the Straight of Hallbralter facing into Dwellaska which seems like a great idea to cool the entire kingdom. Like I said, we’re very small. Except that the hose spews out hot hot hot air and bless his heart he’d put that hose blowing right into Poopenstein and it had to have been over 100 degrees in there. I mean it was hot yoga kind of hot. (Boyfriend suggested that but I think he just wanted me to bend over. He’s pervy. I like that. ) If there’s one time in everyday life that I want to be cool, it’s taking my morning constitutional. Needless to say, Sunday morning was a very uncomfortable poo. My contacts were hot. My toothpaste  melted. I didn’t bother to shower because toweling off was futile.

So between the leaking roof, sink, AC unit, termites, etc. for almost a year and a half, I feel no remorse about what I did next. After having two couches ruined by rain and bugs, I have very little regard for the property of Braden Fellman Management. But I thought this AC unit looks remarkably like R2D2 and i figured I’d transform it. I merely created a friend. I think they’ll like it. They are “artist lofts” after all. Heck, if he’s still here by moving day, maybe I’ll throw some casters on him, buy a gold morph suit and have my Halloween costume ready to go.

The droid you were looking for.

The droid you were looking for.

And Hark! What’s that I hear? Thunder! Looks like R2 and I will have another day of quality time together. For now the cat can keep him company. It’s hot in here. I’m going to the movies.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. kimtastic7878
    Jul 23, 2013 @ 15:11:58

    Update: The helpful, but heavily accented maintenance guy came today to fix the AC. I’m pretty sure he told me the flux capacitor was old and broken and he had to replace it. I’m hoping to have 88 jigawatts of cold soon.


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